Ex-AWOL

Track/Stream: Me First And The Gimme Gimmes - Phantom Of The Opera Song

After our wonderful dinner almost a month ago, I haven't heard hide nor hair of Andy. I kinda think she's pissed off at me. I can't imagine why. It's not like I was staring at Lynda's chest.

Well...... ok...... I was.

But that's ok, I'm her boyfriend.

I expected a thank you for the tickets later (since they were expensive and supposed to be quite good). Since then she hasn't contacted me. I haven't even seen any toast announcing her IM presence (which probably means I'm blocked).

So if anyone has heard from her, let me know she's OK, but I'm not going to call her. I don't want it to look like I'm fishing for a "thank you."

Poor Mike

Track/Stream: Fun Lovin' Criminals - Scooby Snacks

I mildly pissed off Mike with my post about him. Personally I think I cut a little close with the nighty/sofa/ice cream thing, but you know, whatever.

So to make Mike feel better, I submit the following blatantly ripped off... plagarised... original poem...

Tigers are Mike is mean.
Tigers are Mike is fierce.
Tigers have Mike has teeth
and claws that pierce.

Tigers are Mike is great,
they he can't be beat.
If I was a tiger Mike,
that would be neat.

Tigers are Mike is nimble
and light on their his toes,
my respect for tigers Mike
continually grows.

Tigers are Mike is perfect,
the e-pit-o-me
of good looks and grace
and quiet dignity.

Tigers are Mike is great!
They're He's the toast of the town.
Life's always better
when a tiger's Mike's around!

There, you feel better?

Shawn

Track/Stream: Story Of The Year - Anthem Of Our Dying Day

I've managed to keep Shawn busy. Ian's fridge is completely tapped out. So are all the other VP fridges. I almost scored a bottle of vodka, but Donna saw and put it back.

Now I've got him searching the CIO's office for "large stacks of green paper with pictures of presidents on them"

I've got my fingers crossed.

Mike Mike Mike

Track/Stream: Franz Ferdinand - 40'

So Mike goes and disobeys my orders. I don't even know where to begin describing how fucked up this guy's relationships have been. He's a lawyer upstate, and just to give you a rough idea of his personality, he cheated on his girlfriend the night before his ethics exam (linked for his information).

His other problem is that he's a total woman about his issues. He calls his female friends and complains and tries to get their help on how to fix it. He's probably in a nighty on his sofa eating ice cream and watching Sex In The City too.

So he was cheating on this girl with this other girl. And he's cheating on the other girl with this other other girl. The girl was just some chick he's dating. The other girl is the opposing counsel on the vast majority of his cases, and the other other girl is a client of his.

Fucked Up with a capital "Up".

I told him he needs to lay off the womens and recognize that he can be his own person. Otherwise he's going to drown himself in relationships and end up with some woman who totally dominates him (and who he cheats on). To that end he needs to end his relationship and stop sleeping around for a bit. But I gave him a little leeway. I told him he can keep sleeping with the other chick (not the other other chick), just because she's asian, and asian women are hot. However, he could not do anything boyfriend-like.

So I get this email from him (editor's comments are in red italics)

[T]he asian goes out of town for the weekend, back to her parents' place (which gave Mike a chance to nail the other other chick). She returns on Monday night. Now, while I was at my Mom's over the weekend, I got an easter basket all prepared for her- the whole nine: grass, candy, plastic eggs with more candy in them, real hard
boiled eggs which my niece and nephew made (this isn't the kind of thing a boyfriend would do. Nooooooooo). So, yesterday morning, I take this basket, and go buy some spring flowers (oh dear god) to make the basket look bigger (he's worried about size, hee hee), and bring these over to her house in the morning before she leaves for work. Being that this was in celebration of easter, I left her this note which said:

"Kelly, It took me two days to finally track you down (Easter Bunny Reference). Who would have thought you'd be in [City]! I hope you still believe in me."

Signed: "E.B." (Again, Easter Bunny Reference)

(awwwww, he's so cute and mushy wooshy woo)

Well, at about 9:30 I get this call on the work phone from her:

Me:	Hello?
Her:	Did you stop by last night, or this morning and leave something here? (said with a very far away sound in her voice)
Me:	Maybe
Her:	Come on, just tell me if you did or not
Me:	Well, yeah,
Her:	And you left something here
Me:	Yeah
Her:	DONT YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN!

Apparantly, she left her house, preparing to go to work, and saw said easter basket on the porch, and read the note. She immediately feared for her life, and became almost violently ill. She called in sick to work, and was about to call the Police Department, because she thought that there was absolutely no way that I would have done this (Rightfully so), and that there must be some psycho ex-boyfriend stalking her because I said "tracked you down!"

Sigh. Why don't people ever listen to me?

Another day

Track/Stream: Black Box Recorder - The Facts of Life

Not much going on. Well, there's a lot going on, but very little of it is actually blog-worthy. I'm working like a dog trying to get a bunch of stuff done...

Wait...

Oh dear god, no. The humanity of it...

Shawn is back.

Gizzi

Gizzi sucks

That is all

Advice From the 'Rents

Track/Stream: Fatboy Slim - Weapon of Choice

A conversation with Lynda last night reminded me of a conversation between my mom and I a few months ago. I was still dating Dina and know I needed to break up with her. My mom was trying to give me advice.

Keep in mind, this was over the phone while I was at the office...

Mom:	Let's do some role playing. Pretend I'm Dina
Me:	Uhhhhnnnnn, I really don't think this is a good idea
Mom (as Dina):	Paul? What did you want to tell me?
Me:	I think we should stop seeing each other
Mom (as Dina):	What? Why? What did I do wrong?
Me:	You're horrible in bed
Mom (as Dina):	But...
Mom (as Herself):	Wait, what?!?!
Me:	[Laughs]
Mom (as Dina):	But I can learn. I can get better. You can teach me
Me:	O...K... Role playing over

And this is why I keep my parents away from my girlfriends.

Somehow I Don't Feel More Cultured

Track/Stream: Anberlin - Paperthin Hymn

Lynda drug me (kicking and screaming) to The Culture Club last night. The 80's are sooooooo over. The place was packed with a bunch of fat Italian guys in their late 30's with gold chains and hairy chests and girls who were too young to remember the 80's, but were dancing like heffalumps anyway (I envision heffalumps as large ungainly creatures).

I got mildly buzzed. Enough to start dancing at least. Lynda had a good time though, and that's what really matters.

This weekend will be spent in Shickshinny, PA (gesundheit) with 2 of Lynda's aunts and their families. I'm finally meeting part of the family (I've only met one cousin so far).

Encryption

Track/Stream: Brandston - King of Pain

I just threw a spiffy chunk of code in. There's a task which needs to be run from a command line (so we can do it manually or via a cron job). It uses the same transport mechanism as the rest of my communications, so to prevent a wayward developer from allowing unauthorized clients from running the job, it requires a username and password. However, the LAN guys don't want to put a password in plain text.

So in about 5 lines of code I implemented the ability to encrypt the password using RSA. The encrypted password may be fed in in place of the plain-text one. It auto-detects between encrypted and plain-text password and decrypts if necessary. The password is then sent to the server who authenticates it. As a bonus, if you tell it to encrypt, but don't give it text to encrypt, it dumps the encryption key.

      using System.Text;

      using System.Security.Cryptography;

      private const string ENCRYPTION_KEYS = 

        "<RSAKeyValue><Modulus>...</Modulus>" +

        "<Exponent>...</Exponent><P>...</P>" + 

        "<Q>...</Q><DP>...</DP><DQ>...</DQ>" +

        "<InverseQ>...</InverseQ><D>...</D></RSAKeyValue>";

      // Create and initializes our encryption/decryption

      RSACryptoServiceProvider Provider = 

        new RSACryptoServiceProvider();

      Provider.FromXmlString(ENCRYPTION_KEYS);

      if (Encrypting && (Password == null))

        // Dump Encryption Key

        System.Console.WriteLine(Provider.ToXmlString(false));

      else if (Encrypting)

        // Dump Encrypted Password

        System.Console.WriteLine(Convert.ToBase64String(

          Provider.Encrypt(

            Encoding.ASCII.GetBytes(args[1]), true)));

      else

        // Decrypt Password and Replace.  

        // If there's an error, user supplied plain text already

        try { Password = Encoding.ASCII.GetString(

          Provider.Decrypt(

            Convert.FromBase64String(args[2]), true)); }

        catch { }

Tickets4Sex.com - Need Help

Track/Stream: Killers - On Top

I need to get some verbage for posting an ad on Craig's List to offer his U2 tickets for some booty.

Help me come up with a funny post which explicitly says (or implies very heavily) that you can get a free ticket to this concert in exchange for a roll in the hay. Send to tix4sex@gmail.com

Random Survey

Track/Stream: [None - Just Woke Up]

Ninjas vs. Pirates

Who would win in a fight?

More Easter Eggs

Track/Stream: The Prom Kings - Alone

I'm spending the day adding easter eggs to my project (Why? Because I can. And I'm bored).

So far, if you send a message saying "LUNAR PHASE" it'll print an image of the moon along with the current lunar phase and percent of the moon visible. I'm working on one that shows the Death Star and a countdown to the closing when you send "REBEL SCUM". I was doing a quick search for Death Star images online and I came to realize exactly how content on the web is broken down.

Porn:	84%
Star Wars:	18%
Other Sci-Fi Crap:	6%
Useful Stuff:	3.9999999999%
My Blog:	0.0000000001%
Total:	112%

Note: The total is over 100% due to overlap between the first two categories

Steve walks warily down the street

Track/Stream: Queen - Another One Bites the Dust

More rats deserting the sinking ship that is my company. Yao (who sits in the cube next to me) has announced that her last day is next friday. Well, she didn't announce it so much as told her boss, went to lunch, came back and everyone congratulated her.

We are rapidly approaching a critical point: Project Manager to Developer ratio is at 1:1.12. If 2 more developers leave, we will cross the PM/developer event horizon.... There will be more managers than people to manage.

Of course, we long ago blew the asshole-developer/normal-developer event horizon out of the water.

Something's Awry

Track/Stream: Loudermilk - Estrogen Oxygen

A new client is supposed to be entering production today. I (being the only developer on the project) of course was not informed. Developers don't really need to know things like that. I mean, heaven forbid we get to do a little bit of time planning in case there are problems.

So I roll in this morning and here's the message I get:

Foocorp is going live today and the system isn't working. Someone from there called Donna [a secretary].

I can't get any more information than that. You might as well call up the police and tell them that someone is going to be murdered, then not be able to give them any information about who, where, when, why or how.

Now I've used my amazing powers of deduction (i.e. scanned the logs) and the only thing that has happened is that someone (and I don't recognize the name, so I have no idea who he is) has been trying to login unsuccessfully. Now, I can tell you exactly what happened:

This jackass decides he knows everything (he must because he's either a trader or a trader's bitch). He tries to log in (unsuccessfully). He doesn't bother reading the message on the screen (which is probably telling him he needs to change his password) and tries to log in again. Still unfazed by the error message, he tries again. And again. And again. And again. Now he won't be able to log in because he's locked out due to too many failures.

This chump tried to log in 5 times over the course of half an hour and was never successful. Did he call the helpdesk (who would ask him what error message he gets)? No, he went bitching to his trader (if he's a clerk) who went bitching to the company about this waste of time who sent some dumb secretary to call our secretary.

Somehow I will be blamed for not fixing this, even though I do not have access to production.

I hate this company.

WWZD?

Track/Stream: Rude Buddha - Miss California

I came clean with Lynda about something a couple days ago.

Kathleen is a friend who did an internship here last summer. We've kept in touch via IM, and around Christmas she was back in New York. We went out to a string of bars and got really shitfaced. Because of said heavy drinking, she missed the late train from Penn Station (she was staying in Jersey).

I try to live my life around a set of core principals that have guided me well. Every time I have a decision, I ask myself "What Would Zack Do?" Then I do the opposite.

Clearly Zack would have let Kathleen sit at Penn Station passing in and out of consciousness until her train got there. So I offered her my place to crash. She finally accepted and we cabbed it to my place and both fell asleep.

Lynda wasn't terribly pleased because she found out that there was another girl in my bed the night before she spent the night for the first time.

I changed the sheets.

God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

Track/Stream: Me First and the Gimme Gimme's - I Believe I Can Fly

In my recent search for The One True Religion®, I've come across a number of people belonging to several religions. It's hard to discern which one is right. So it would help me out a lot if everyone could fill out the following form. It would help me decide which direction to go.

Note: I did not make this up, it was blatantly ripped off

1. How did you find out about God?

Newspaper
Bible
Torah
Book of Mormon
Koran
Other Book
Television
Divine Inspiration
Word of mouth
Dead Sea scrolls
My mama done tol' me
Near Death Experience
National Public Radio
Tabloid
Burning Shrubbery
Who?
Other:

2. Which model God did you acquire?

Yahweh
Jehovah
Allah
Just plain God
Krishna
Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

Yes No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.

(Please check all that apply.)

Not eternal
Not omniscient
Not omnipotent
Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
Permits sex outside of marriage
Prohibits sex outside of marriage
Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
Requires burnt offerings
Requires virgin sacrifices
Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?

(Please check all that apply.)

Indoctrinated by parents
Needed a reason to live
Indoctrinated by society
Needed target for rage
Imaginary friend grew up
Hate to think for self
Wanted to meet girls/boys
Fear of death
To piss off parents
Needed a day away from work
Enjoy organ music
Needed focus on whom to despise
Needed to feel morally superior
Graduated from the tooth fairy
My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?

(Please check all that apply.)

Self-help books
Tarot, Astrology
Star Trek re-runs
Fortune cookies
Ann Landers
Psychic Friends Network
Dianetics
Cold fusion
Playboy and/or Playgirl
Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
Biorhythms
Area 57 (Art Bell)
ESP
Television
Mantras
Jimmy Swaggart
Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
Human Sacrifice
Wandering around in desert
Burning shrubbery
Other:

6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? Is so, which false God were you fooled by?

(Please check all that apply.)

Odin
Cthulhu
Lottery
Baal
Beelzebub
The Almighty Dollar
The Conservative Right
Mick Jagger
Bill Gates
Art Bell
The Great Pumpkin
Ronald Reagan
A burning cabbage
Mushrooms
Other:

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.

Would you prefer...

More Divine Intervention
Less Divine Intervention
Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following:

Disasters:
	Poor	Excellent
Flood
Famine
Earthquake
War
Pestilence
Plague
AOL
Republican Congress
Dubya
My present relationship
My last relationship
Miracles:
	Poor	Excellent
Rescues
Spontaneous remissions
Crying statues
Water changing to wine
Walking on water
Stars hovering over towns
VCRs that set their own clocks
Clear and competent statements by the President
My present relationship
My last relationship
9. Please rate the following:
	Poor	Excellent
God's Courtesy
Answers to your prayers
Are your spiritual needs being met?
How are your shrubs doing?

Startling Revelation.....

Track/Stream: Radio Wazee - Alternative

I've come to a startling realization. I always thought that if someone didn't understand my question I should repeat it. Thanks to a startling new discovery, I now have proof I was wrong...

Carl:	Did you fix the blah blah blah?
Me:	You mean the problem where it whoozits?
Carl:	Did you fix the blah blah blah?
Me:	The problem where it foobars?
Carl:	Did you fix the blah blah blah?

Oh wait, no. I was wrong. I still don't freaking understand.

That's fine. I told him to wait while I figured out, put him on hold for 2 minutes, listened to some music, then picked it up and said "yes".

Problem Solved.

Tickets4Sex.com

Track/Stream: Digitally Imported - Goa/Psy Trance

Amar managed to score a pair of tickets to a U2 Concert in October at the Garden. Now he needs to find a chick to take with him. He pointed out that he could offer the tickets on craigslist and specify that only hot chicks need apply.

I then pointed out that, as long as he's only offering to hot chicks and he didn't have to pay much for the tickets himself, he should only offer the tickets to chicks who will sleep with him. And thus a new website proposal was born......

Tickets4Sex.com

We get a small camera crew to film chicks sleeping with Amar. The only compensation they get is a free concert ticket. Maybe we'd list a series of upcoming concerts and get women to email him proposals. The comedy aspect of running a site like this alone would be worth its weight in gold.

The best part is that after they sleep with him, they'll have to stand next to him at the concert itself. Of course, we'd be sure to arm him with a series of inappropriate comments....

Sooooooooooooo. You sore?

You know, Green Day is going to be in town next week...

You were good. Not as good as the chick I saw Blink 182 with, but good

Bad Start To The Day

Track/Stream: Digitally Imported - Chillout

Today started off on a sour note and it doesn't show any signs of getting better. The weekend was not remotely restful. Between Lynda being sick Saturday morning and spending the day taking care of her, and church on Sunday, I feel like I need a day off.

But instead I come into work to do something I really don't want to do. I have to branch my code to fix some stuff in the last production build. The new code is weeks away from completion, so I have to do it, but I really hate branching my stuff.

On top of that I forgot everything at Lynda's place. She'll bring it over tonight, but I feel naked without my wallet, mp3 player, keys, id, and blackberry. Cut off from all my technology.

So I'm just going to get the crappy work out of the way and go home. If you come in at all during the day, even if it's only for an hour, they don't dock you a sick day.

Wolf Amongst the Sheep

Track/Stream: William Young Fullerton - I Cannot Tell

So I'm sitting in church with lynda. I've agreed to go with her once in a while. She hopes to bring me back into the fold. We're supposed to be praying right now.

Church is really frustrating for me. I like the messages, in terms of ways to live your life. I like the general life instructions.

Unfortunately, church likes to mix all this religion with these inspirational messages. I don't exactly know what my beliefs of god are, but I know I get frustrated when I listen to it, and I get even more frustrated when I try to believe.

On another note, I find it slightly creepy that the sermon is being taped. There are 4 cameras pointing in various directions, taping the sermon for broadcast.

And as long as I'm going on about creepy stuff, church people wig me out slightly. I think I'm not used to people who are so friendly, especially towards people they don't know. It makes me feel like they want somthing. I guess they want me to believe along with them.

Suckers.

Ex-Roommate

Track/Stream: Snoop Doggy Dogg - Gin and Juice

I was talking with Lynda about getting a laptop and it reminded me of a story. So, for your approval, I submit another in a series of...

Disturbing Tales of Computing-ing-ing-ing

A year ago I lived in Brooklyn with a guy named Mike. We had a deal with our next door neighbor where we ran a cable through the wall so we could get free internet (the building didn't support cable, we didn't have phone lines and he had DSL). In order to set up a network without running cables everywhere we had a wireless network setup. That also allowed us to resell service to neighbors (never pass up an opportunity to make some spare cash).

So it was a quiet Saturday. We were both hanging out in the apartment, nothing much going on. I think I was doing some random web surfing. Suddenly I get a short, simple instant message:

Hey, could you bring me some more toilet paper?

My roommate had taken his laptop into the bathroom and, I guess, ran out of TP.

For some reason it makes you feel really really unclean to get an Instant Message from someone actively taking a dump.

12 Steps

Track/Stream: Gladiator (Movie)

I have some advice for Lynda's ex (Mike). He has a problem and he needs to deal with it. So I advise he follow the following 12 step program:

Step 1	Admit that you are powerless over being an asshole - that your life has become unmanageable.
Step 2	Believe that a Power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity.
Step 3	Make a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand Him.
Step 4	Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Step 5	Admit to God, to yourself and to another human being the exact nature of your wrongs.
Step 6	Be entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step 7	Humbly ask Him to remove your shortcomings.
Step 8	Make a list of all persons you have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9	Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Step 10	Continue to take personal inventory and when you were wrong promptly admitted it.
Step 11	Seek through prayer and meditation to improve your conscious contact with God, as you understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for you and the power to carry that out.
Step 12	Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, try to carry this message to assholes, and to practice these principles in all of your affairs.

Buddy Christ

Track/Stream: Digitally Imported - Deep House



So, I've got this bobble-head Jesus Christ doll (don't ask, it's a long story). I don't want it any more, so ideas on how to dispose of it are running pretty rampant. I feel like I need to do a throwback to my college days and epoxy it to something.

However, I leave it open to the masses to decide what will happen to Jesus. I wash my hands of his fate.

Add a comment below and in a few days I'll post on the results.

Zack's "The One"

Track/Stream: [No Music]

Zack's been seeing this chick named Dara for a couple weeks (which, for him, qualifies as a long term relationship). Last night he kept on telling me how great and how awesome his relationship with her is. He sounded positively giddy. No matter what I asked he said she was perfect in almost every way.

So I asked if she was "the one."

His response:

No, what are you talking about? Are you crazy? She's Jewish and wants to marry a Jewish guy. She knows that we're only messing around. Anytime any of that relationship bullshit comes up, I just have to say 'Not Jewish' and she drops it. It's awesome.

Why am I not surprised?

New Business Idea

Track/Stream: Portishead - Strangers

My 15 seconds of thoughtfulness 2 days ago continues to pay off as Lynda's cow-orkers get more and more jealous that she gets flowers and they don't. In the interest of satisfying thousands of women out there, and because I'm philanthropic (and not at all interested in the moo-lah), I have come up with a brand new business. Here's how it works.

Step 1 - You sign up on the website providing your beau's name, work address, days and hours of work, your relationship (in case they aren't actually your beau), and your credit card number

Step 2 - ???

Step 3 - Profit

I'm not 100% sure on Step 2 yet, but one of the other gnomes tells me it's that we ship flowers every couple months (completely randomized so it's not predictable) appropriate to the type of relationship along with a card with some sweet phrase on it. Maybe it emails you a week before it sends them so you have time to alter things if you want. Maybe it slaps a cute little cartoon on the card. Maybe it also slaps on a $10 "convenience fee".

The idea is that you look incredibly sweet and thoughtful, but it takes no memory on your part whatsoever. It just happens. You look good, she gets to make all the cows at her office jealous, and you get some.

Because when it all comes down to it....

you just want some.

I'm So Money

Track/Stream: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart - K. 397 - Fantasy for Piano in D Minor

[Email from Lynda]

The flowers are so beautiful. Everyone is commenting about them and some of the other girls are jealous. When you walk in the room you can smell them and it's just wonderful. Some of the guys have said that you're making them look bad. hehehe Mr. Katz is happy for me and thinks it's great that you care about me so much.

I also talked with my mom today. Remind me later to tell you what she said. She also told me that she talked to my aunt Marcia (Brian's mom) and Brian said that you're nice. He said that you were very attentive and loving towards me. I told my mom that you are like that all the time.

My aunt Bernie was rubbing it in her face over the weekend that she'll get to meet you before my mom, at which point my mom kicked her. So see, you are causing violence in my family, shame on you. hehehe

[Lightly censored to protect the guilty]

The First Rule Is: You Do Not Talk About Fight Club

Track/Stream: The Dust Brothers - This Is Your Life

Crazy freaking morning. In the spirit of the movie being filmed in front of my building, I will attempt to describe it "script style".

In tonight's performance...

• The role of Hero will be played by Paul
• The role of Damsel will be played by Lynda
• The role of Villain will be played by Some Fat Italian Guy

Scene 1 Interior - Apartment Bedroom. Early morning, Hero and Damsel are waking up. [Scene deleted by censors] Scene 2 Exterior - Apartment Building. Car out front has hood up. Hero and Damsel are trying to start it.
Hero:	It's got some power
Damsel:	But it's not starting
Hero:	Let's go get some jumper cables and jump it
Damsel:	You have some in your car, right?
Hero:	Yeah
[Hero and Damsel close and lock car, retrieve jumper cables from Hero's car, and return]
Hero:	Excuse me, would you mind helping us jump our car? It'll just take a second
Random Guy:	Sure, let me pull my truck up
Random Cop:	[Blasts Siren] Move your truck
Random Guy:	I'm just giving him a jump
Random Cop:	...
Random Guy:	...
[Random Guy moves car. Random Guy and Hero attach jumper cables and car comes to life]
Hero:	I'm sorry you're so late. I promise your day will get better
Damsel:	I hope so. I love you
Hero:	I love you too. Bye
[Little does our Damsel suspect that waiting for her at work should be a lovely bouquet of flowers] Scene 3 Interior - Starbucks. Several people are gathered around milk/sugar table
Villain:	[Incredibly racist slur against someone at other end of table]
Hero:	Dude, you need a major attitude adjustment
Villain:	[Incredibly racist slur about what the Villain assumes the Hero does with people of the same race as someone at other end of table]
Hero:	No, but I'm not a [Racist slur about what the Hero also doesn't do with people of the same race as the Villain]
[Villain throws a punch at the Hero's face. Hero narrowly dodges and returns with a right to the Villain's kidney. Starbucks patrons and employees rush in and grab both Hero and Villain.]
Villain:	Fuck you, you [long stream of racist slurs]
Hero:	Whatever
[Hero picks up coffee and muffin, walks to subway station (watching behind himself the whole way). Gets on a train and collapses into seat shaking violently]

So that's the day so far. Scary, crazy, freaky shit.

Incredibly Frustrated

Track/Stream: Sum 41 - Grab the Devil By the Horns and **** Him Up the ***

I wrote up this big huge long scathing post, but I've decided I shouldn't post it. Should the wrong person see it, I might end up in some hot water.

So I'm sitting at my desk. It's lunchtime. I'm playing dominos.

I hate my job

Birthday Wishlist

Track/Stream: The Corrs - Only When I Sleep

My family bitches incessantly about how hard it is to shop for presents for me. Since my birthday is in a couple months, I've decided to start maintaining a list of presents I would like:

• Tie with Carbon Fiber color scheme
• Subscription to Playboy
• A better design for this blog
• 59 Horsepower Hydraulic Chicken Harvester
• ThinkGeek Gift Certificates

Feel free to get me any of these, but you can probably guess which one I really want.

You Were Meant For Me

Track/Stream: Guns N' Roses - November Rain

Another little funny conversation between Lynda and I last night. She was worried about smothering me because we've been spending a lot of time together. I told her not to worry about it and that I enjoy the time we spend together. I told her I hadn't suggested living together yet for 2 reasons:

• I don't want her to feel neglected when I want to play video games or read, not do something with her.
• I don't want to live in Astoria.

So we're thinking about getting a 1 bedroom together in the city in August when her lease is up (very rough idea, but possible).

But anyway, a segment of the conversation went like this:

Me:	Who knows, you might not want to live with me.
Lynda:	Why wouldn't I?
Me:	I don't know, I might do something that annoys you.
Lynda:	Like what?
Me:	I leave wet towels on the floor.
Lynda:	I'd pick them up.
Me:	I leave my keys in the door.
Lynda:	I'd get them.
Me:	I break my yolks, make a smiley face
[Lynda falls off the bed laughing]

For those who don't get it...

Homicidal Eyebrows & More

Track/Stream: Guns N' Roses - Don't Cry

Internet was down this weekend (no not the entire internet, just my connection) and I wasn't going to go down to the local internet cafe and pay just to blog. There really wasn't anything to blog about.

Friday night we went to a modern dance show (which just confuses the hell out of me). Met up with Sue afterwards, introduced her to a friend of mine and all went out for drinks. I got pretty drunk pretty fast (I haven't been doing much drinking lately, so I've become a lightweight - which is fine because it's cheap).

Saturday we organized my closet. I know, we're party animals. To offset that boredom we went to a store near my place called The Baroness. They have interesting displays, but I've never gone in before ("interesting" = "kinky"). So we walk in and it's all latex clothing.

Latex.

Clothing.

Bet that got your attention. We pretended to be interested and look around for about 45 seconds, then turn to go. The Baroness stops us and forces us to walk around the store looking around. She also made a point to show us the latex nuns' habits. Actually, her corsets were pretty nice. Incredibly kinky looking. But the price was a little kinkier than I liked (I'm not shelling out $650 for an effect we could make ourselves with some liquid latex). So we escaped and went home.

Sunday was another quiet day. I met Lynda after church and went to her place. There was this guy on the 7 train, though, that just set me off cracking jokes. He had these eyebrows that looked like they want to jump off his face, strangle you to death, then go down to the corner bar for a beer. They were very very creepy. Huge thick creepy-crawler eyebrows with evil points at the corners. (shudder)

That's pretty much it.

More Postmortem

Track/Stream: Notorious B.I.G. - Sky's the Limit

So I'm getting over the humor of my ex's husband's interest in my current girlfriend's boobular region..... naaaaaahhhhhhh, it's still funny.

But anyway, I'm going over some of the other stuff that went down. One of the more unusual points of the evening was Jeremy's monologue on sleeping with the torpedos on his sub. And by "sleeping with" I mean "sleeping curled around". And by "torpedos" I mean "large explosive devices with a long shaft". He went on to describe how he would cheat on his torpedos when he visited his friends by sleeping with their Tomahawks and his air-force friends' Sidewinders. I guess Andy had heard this story before, but Lynda and I both had expressions on our faces that made it obvious we were weirded out. A psychologist would have had a field day.

Another fun fact: While Andy and I were engaged, I made it clear that the only part of the wedding I cared about were the wedding rings. I insisted on a set made by an artists named George Sawyer who uses an unusual technique called Mokume Gane that makes the metals in the rings look like wood. I thought that this was a private thing that would be dropped once we broke up. I knew Andy ordered our wedding rings before the breakup, but I thought she'd send them back.

Lo and behold, she offered her hand to show me how the rings look in person. She retrieved Jeremy's ring and showed how they were mirror images of each other. I showed Lynda because I still ultimately want them and had told Lynda about it. I passed Andy's to Lynda and, while people were focused on that hand, I surreptitiously slipped the other ring on my finger. It was an exact fit.

I wonder if Jeremy knows he's wearing a wedding ring that was intended for me.

Dinner w/ Andy - Post Mortem

Track/Stream: No Music

Dinner with Andy and Jeremy was interesting on several counts. I haven't seen her in well over a year, so it was good to see her. Jeremy was really cool, really laid back and generally nice.

Later Lynda and I were discussing the evening and she pointed out that you can usually see similarities between a person's current relationship and their ex. I definitely see some similarities between Jeremy and I:

• Similar sense of humor
• Similar personality
• Similar staring at Lynda's tits.

Lynda pointed out that there were no obvious similarities between her and Andy. The only thing I can come up with is that they both have fuzzy pets. But so what? Maybe there's a reason I went for someone who is the complete antithesis of Andy.

Ultimately none of it really matters to me, because right now there's an empty spot on the bed next to my naked girlfriend.

Dinner Tonight

Track/Stream: Dido - My Life

Recipe for Disaster

Ingredients

• 1 girlfriend
• 1 ex-girlfriend
• 1 ex-girlfriend's husband
• 1 ex-girlfriend's fetus
• a pinch of embarassing memories

Instructions

• Prepare by forgetting to pick ex-girlfriend et. al. up from airport the night before.
• Place all ingredients in the same room. Set departure time half an hour before likely to leave.
• Serve food of questionable spicyness to people who have acid-reflux.
• Allow conversation to proceed unabated.
• Allow girls to use restroom at the same time.

Makes: 1 can whoop-ass

I know what's on the menu for me tonight.