God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

Track/Stream: Me First and the Gimme Gimme's - I Believe I Can Fly

In my recent search for The One True Religion®, I've come across a number of people belonging to several religions. It's hard to discern which one is right. So it would help me out a lot if everyone could fill out the following form. It would help me decide which direction to go.

Note: I did not make this up, it was blatantly ripped off

1. How did you find out about God?

Newspaper
Bible
Torah
Book of Mormon
Koran
Other Book
Television
Divine Inspiration
Word of mouth
Dead Sea scrolls
My mama done tol' me
Near Death Experience
National Public Radio
Tabloid
Burning Shrubbery
Who?
Other:

2. Which model God did you acquire?

Yahweh
Jehovah
Allah
Just plain God
Krishna
Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

Yes No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.

(Please check all that apply.)

Not eternal
Not omniscient
Not omnipotent
Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
Permits sex outside of marriage
Prohibits sex outside of marriage
Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
Requires burnt offerings
Requires virgin sacrifices
Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?

(Please check all that apply.)

Indoctrinated by parents
Needed a reason to live
Indoctrinated by society
Needed target for rage
Imaginary friend grew up
Hate to think for self
Wanted to meet girls/boys
Fear of death
To piss off parents
Needed a day away from work
Enjoy organ music
Needed focus on whom to despise
Needed to feel morally superior
Graduated from the tooth fairy
My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?

(Please check all that apply.)

Self-help books
Tarot, Astrology
Star Trek re-runs
Fortune cookies
Ann Landers
Psychic Friends Network
Dianetics
Cold fusion
Playboy and/or Playgirl
Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
Biorhythms
Area 57 (Art Bell)
ESP
Television
Mantras
Jimmy Swaggart
Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
Human Sacrifice
Wandering around in desert
Burning shrubbery
Other:

6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? Is so, which false God were you fooled by?

(Please check all that apply.)

Odin
Cthulhu
Lottery
Baal
Beelzebub
The Almighty Dollar
The Conservative Right
Mick Jagger
Bill Gates
Art Bell
The Great Pumpkin
Ronald Reagan
A burning cabbage
Mushrooms
Other:

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.

Would you prefer...

More Divine Intervention
Less Divine Intervention
Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following:

Disasters:
	Poor	Excellent
Flood
Famine
Earthquake
War
Pestilence
Plague
AOL
Republican Congress
Dubya
My present relationship
My last relationship
Miracles:
	Poor	Excellent
Rescues
Spontaneous remissions
Crying statues
Water changing to wine
Walking on water
Stars hovering over towns
VCRs that set their own clocks
Clear and competent statements by the President
My present relationship
My last relationship
9. Please rate the following:
	Poor	Excellent
God's Courtesy
Answers to your prayers
Are your spiritual needs being met?
How are your shrubs doing?